Things I Think About While Taking A Shit
Still working on the big post, so in the meantime…something completely different:
WARNING: If you have no sense of humor, do not read this post. As you will not find it funny. Because you have no sense of humor. If you do have a sense of humor, and still do not find this post funny, then you are wrong. You have no sense of humor.
This morning, while enjoying my daily bowel movement, I came upon an article in Men’s Health magazine entitled, Talk Your Way Into (or Out of) Her Heart: Smart Answers to Her Trickiest Questions About Love, Sex and Whether That Dress Makes Her Look Fat, by Laura Roberson. The article suggests a right answer and a wrong answer for each question posed. And since I have never in my life come up with a right answer during a relationship, I thought this article might be a good one for me to peruse. It’s highly doubtful that I learned anything useful, but it did get me to thinking, what would my answers be?
SHE ASKS…”How many women have you been with?”
Right answer: “I’ve had relationships with different women, but none worth holding on to.”
Wrong answer: “Fourteen. And a half. Not counting rounding errors.”
My answer: “More than 2, fewer than 200, but closer to 2. Now I’m going to kill myself. I hope you’re happy.”
SHE ASKS…”Do I look fat in this?” (She does.)
Right answer: “It just doesn’t do you justice. Wear that black dress you look so sexy in.”
Wrong answer: “I wouldn’t say fat…”
My answer: “Fat?? You could never look fat! Put you in a pair of Crocks and a muumuu, and you’re the most svelte, beautiful woman I have ever seen. Now put the cupcake down and go for a jog.”
SHE ASKS…”Do you think that woman is hot?” (She is.)
Right answer: “She’s attractive. What do you think?”
Wrong answer: “In a slutty kind of way.”
My answer: “The one with the big, brown eyes, high cheek bones, perky tits, and heart-shaped ass? Hadn’t noticed.”
YOU SUSPECT…She’s cheating.
Say: “I may be totally off base, but I’m concerned about your relationship with John. Will you be honest with me?”
Don’t say: “You’re screwing John, aren’t you?”
I’d say: “Due to my feelings of inadequacy as a result of my penis approaching nowhere near what would be considered an average size by the standards in any Asian country, and the fact that you are so far out of my league that I knew this relationship was destined for failure and that you would eventually leave me a pathetic, sobbing, shell of my former self, I have a sneaking suspicion that there may be something more going on with you and John, the ex-college tail-back, than the three-day-a-week nude massage that you claim to be so innocent.”
SHE ASKS…”Where is this relationship going?” (The truth: nowhere.)
Right answer: “I need to be honest. I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now.”
Wrong answer: “I think there’s some potential here.”
My answer: “That all depends: Will you come over and have sex with me whenever I call, and leave immediately afterward not to bother me until I call again? If the answer is yes, then I think there’s some potential here. If the answer is no, then I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now.”
SHE ASKS…”What do you think about marriage?” (You’re blindsided.)
Right answer: “These are my reservations, but that doesn’t mean I can’t resolve them.”
Wrong answer: “Well, it’s okay for married people.”
My answer: “See previous answer.”
YOU THINK…Your sex life follows an endless round of same old, same old.
Say: “Would you be willing to try this position? If you don’t like it, we can do what we know works.”
Don’t say: “You be the wheelbarrow, and I’ll be the farmer delivering the load.”
I’d say: “You be the wheelbarrow, and I’ll be the farmer delivering the load.”
SHE SAYS…”I love you.” (But you’re not entirely ready.)
Right answer: “I’m not ready to say that yet. But I’m getting there.”
Wrong answer: “Thanks.”
My answer: “You be the wheelbarrow, and I’ll be the farmer delivering the load.” (I have come to the conclusion that this is the correct answer for almost any situation.)
YOU THINK…It’s over, but she doesn’t know it yet.
Say: “I won’t be able to give what you deserve.”
Don’t say: “You knew I wasn’t ready to commit.”
I’d say: “I’m on to you and John, but I was willing to look the other way for the simple fact that I’m so insecure that I don’t believe I could ever find another woman who would put up with my depressive moods and endless bouts of sobbing, but the video of you two playing ‘farmer and wheelbarrow’ that was ‘accidentally’ left in the VCR is something I can’t get past. Nevermind. I’m over it. Please don’t leave me.”
